Thanks to some anonymous message I realized that I'd been writing anything here for quite a long time.
And since December there's been some changes in my way of living. Most of all - I'm a happy student of third year of polish filology. Yay, time flows. I learned knitting and doing masks from plaster. Playing with oil farbs, but those are lame works. Using pencil - and that is going better, I suppose. In few days I'm going to Bulgaria. Holidays!
And - tranformation has ended. I even enjoy morning coffee - I'm an adult! F**** knew it was coming. 21, yay. Even in USA I can do anything I want. But I despise easy on-the-go instat coffee. I percolate coffee ritually - I mill it on my own in old grinder etc. I think that people need rituals. I don't believe in church with all it's red tapes... So I found my own ceremonies.
It's hurtful when you stand in front of some facts, like 'I can't afford all this amazing things that I would like to try' and you need to choose. That's me and photography. My camera is not the latest model, my lenses sux. So I started posing to pictures with different results. It's cool. You get to know very... Amusing (i think that's the best word) People.
I'm still independent, but much less flustered about that fact. Then, in winter I felt like word ended. And by writing all those things about me being on my own I tried to convince myself that I can manage to be like that. And I could. God damn, that feels right. For those who are with someone - don't kill me, but I feel like being created to be engaged with myself. And my books, my pencils, to flirt with photographers through their lenses, to dance with strangers in pubs, to drink alone on parties. I don't miss being with someone.
Sometimes it's getting cold. Like it was told in "Game of thrones" - the winter is coming and lasts sometimes few days, other time - couple of weeks. But still - there is always a sunny light behing the courtain of clouds.
I still believe in love. I just stopped to delude myself that this amazing state of mind is something that actually CAN be find. It just comes to you in it's own time and stays. But first you have to fell in love with yourself (in positive, non narcissitic way). I one looked into mirror and though "Hey, ugly morning face. I have to start to like you, there will be no one else in my life, with who I need to get up every morning!".
So I abandon my searches. Let it be. Thanks, Mother Mary.
Kisses, enjoy summer!